That barely describable, disconnected and lost feeling.

Today was an odd day. From the moment I woke up, everything just felt like it wasn’t right. Apart from oversleeping, which is a personal warning sign that i’m due for a downswing, which I can usually shrug off by midday, there was nothing to spark this ominous feeling. I was unable to focus in any of my classes, was thoroughly unproductive in my downtime, in relation to both school and personal matters.

I guess a little background information would help show why this is bothering me so much. My entire strategy for battling depression without pharmaceuticals or therapy revolves around one single concept. That I am able to, for lack of a better term, predict the highs and lows that occur on not only a daily basis, but also more big picture by the week and month. I have previously been able to achieve this by a simple method of tracking my moods and behaviors, such as the things I do prior to a high, and same for the lows. Once i had a general idea of that, I was able to analyze a bit further and find certain key activities and actions that heavily influence my mentality one way or the other and can in a very rudimentary fashion, tell when a down swing is coming on, or know when i’m beginning to hit a noticeable upswing. This method of modeling has been very useful, UNTIL TODAY.

Today I am exhibiting behavior that is comparable to being midway down a pretty intimidating downswing, and yet the previous few days have not seemed as such. The only major negative activity that has been noticeably present in my life is the oversleeping. Which hasn’t negatively impacted my daily activities so typically it’s not to be viewed as much more than a warning sign. Yet, I can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong, that the pure darkness that threatens to overtake me daily is much closer than it appears. Similar to when you’re out in the woods alone, and for some reason you just notice that it’s far too silent. You don’t know when it became silent or why, just that it suddenly is. You can hope for the best and just assume that all the beings making noise are taking a nap, or are simply somewhere else.

But in the pit of your stomach you know that there is something dangerous in the woods, you know not what it is, how long it was been following, or whether or not it will even show it itself, but you know it’s there. Always there.

Genesis

Honestly I’ve been struggling with how I would like to formulate this series of posts regarding depression. To start with I believe that I will refrain from simply telling my entire story and focus more on current happenings and “living with depression” relating to how it impacts everyday life, as well as what can be done about it. If the details of my personal journey to reach this point that I’m comfortable talking about it(roughly 2 years) becomes a topic of interest I would be more than happy to bring it into the light in future posts, so if any of you have certain topics or ideas you would like discussed, feel free to voice your opinions on such matters.

To start things off I would like to take a moment and attempt to establish a certain rapport with those of you who suffer as well, to ensure to you that I am familiar with what you are going through on a more intimate level than simply seeing it or studying it in a textbook. I have personally experienced

• What it’s like to spend hours finding a reason to even get out of bed in the morning
• Constantly finding excuses to set yourself back and halt progress, only to spend the rest of the day justifying those bad decisions.
• Feel completely helpless to said bad decisions
• The darkness.
• Can’t help but believe that you deserve to be depressed for some unknown reason
• The moments on a rare good day when you feel that you don’t deserve to smile
• Letting countless opportunities pass you by because you fear that a failed attempt will put you over the edge
• Being so helpless to the darkness that you are willing to try anything to rid your mind, body and soul of it.
• Engaging in self-destructive behavior because that short high blocks out the darkness, and it’s worth the days of utter blackness when you come down.

This is just a short list as any of you know that there is no limit to the terribly and overwhelmingly hope-depriving things that I could write here, I just want you to take a couple key ideas from this.

I Understand. I’m here. I want to help.