Working on it.. (Kind of)

“You must strive to find your own voice. Because the longer you wait to begin, the less likely you are to find it at all.”

Now that I’ve had this draft opened up for the past 4 hours and have run out of things to do while putting it off. This is a post that has been needing to be written for several months now, and due to the nature of it I have not been overly inclined to write it.  However, I recently had a bringing down to Earth moment that has forced me to really get in my head the past week or so and think about it and so, here I am.

Idk if any of you have watched Will Arnett’s new show on Netflix, “Flaked”, but it’s a pretty solid story dealing with recovering alcoholism in a small community. (Un)fortunately for me, there was a bit in the finale that has caused this introspection to commence. Well here’s an excerpt from the show description: “…Chip’s the go-to guy for personal insights. But he isn’t quite as enlightened when it comes to his own baggage.” Right. Now, here’s the conversation from the finale between Chip, and the man who was originally his sponsor when he joined AA. This comes at the end of what was a pretty heated and personal exchange and is his sponsor talking to Chip:

“You’re a good man. I mean, whether or not you want to admit it, but.. I know you are. I’ve seen you stick your hand out to help other people, complete strangers, drunks, I mean countless times I just wish you would listen to half the stuff you tell them. I just hope that someday you can just step up, and just, finally  help yourself man.”

Now, for those of you who either know me or have read most of this blog, substitute the drinking for depression and that pretty much sums up where I’ve been at for the past several years. Not too long ago I was able to be helping several individuals, some that I know personally and some that I do not, in dealing with their own struggles with depression. I didn’t do this for myself, although it does help me deal with my own shit by talking about related issues with others, but I did it for them because I know firsthand how much easier it makes it to have someone who will legitimately just listen and can honestly relate to what you’re going through. However, the past few months I’ve been slowly distancing myself from these situations. I had rationalized it out to myself because these individuals for the most part had been making a lot of progress, and thusly didn’t need to look elsewhere for guidance or advice anymore, which for the most part is true. I am very proud of them for how much progress that has been made, but that is not the reason. Namely because I know how damn easy it is to backslide, and how quickly that innocent backslide can turn into a freefall.

The real reason is what gets us back to the Flaked reference, it makes me feel like a fucking fraud. A hypocritical fraud. Looking around at my li(f)e, I don’t do half of the things anymore that they have looked to me as a source of knowledge and experience on. I wax poetic about the importance of finding something that makes you happy and making time for it at least once a day, or the importance of exercise no matter how basic, and the effects of healthy eating on the mind and cultivating a healthier body image as well. I talk about how monumentally powerful meditation can be at even just 10 minutes a day. I recommend the creation of a morning ritual of 5-6 things or habits to do every morning first thing to always get the day started off right as that’s usually the hardest part. I talk endlessly about how important it is to accept depression and instead of winning or losing, you’re simply making lifestyle changes because if you focus on winning and losing you’ll never make it past the first fucking day.

I no longer do any of these things. Not on any sort of regular basis at least. And it’s not because I’ve made so much progress or “gotten better” that I don’t need to anymore. I’ve been lying to myself about being too busy to worry about it, falling back into the “good enough” trap that got me into this mess to begin with. And quite honestly it makes me sick.

There’s bound to be a few people reading this that are going to try to tell me I’m just being too hard on myself, so for fun let me just give an example of how much this struggle still impacts my daily life in topic that everyone can relate too, relationships. Now, I don’t have too much of a problem meeting people, making good first impressions with people, or anything like that. However, the moment it begins to become more than casual flirting and we actually start to spend an extended period of time together, I immediately start to distance myself, almost without realizing it now it’s become so natural. I’m not afraid of commitment, in fact I rather prefer commitment to the casual hookup culture we have now. The problem is, I know that the more time you spend with someone you start to rub off on each other. And I know that more than likely it won’t happen, but just the thought of all this fucking dark depressing shit that rumbles around my head all day rubs off on them and infects them with it is too much. Yes, everyone has their own problems and that’s part of the bit with a relationship is you take on each others burdens blah blah I know. I also know that they are fully consenting adults and it should be their choice not mine. To which I say oh well, still not worth it to me.

So. I am sorry to those of you who I have been a fraud to. I am sorry to those of you who wanted to be a part of my life and thought I didn’t want you to be, I did, I just didn’t want you to suffer or resent me for it. And I am sorry to myself, for allowing this to continue to be such a large part of my day to day life.

Just know, that I’m working on it.

 

The Purpose of Travelling

It’s been almost two months since I last wrote, and trust me, i wish it hadn’t been so long. However, having been back in the country for one week tomorrow I think i’m finally ready to exit my mental vacation mode and move on. I purposefully refrained from trying to write about anything immediately after returning because it would have been nothing more than gushing about the beauty of the landscape and how I wish I could be back(I still do), yet there was enough underlying turmoil I knew there was something more substantial brewing I should wait for. Which unfortunately means this post will probably take a negative turn.

Now since i’ve been ready to write there have been many worthy topics i’ve been interested in writing about, but I hadn’t been able to find the motivation to write until this evening. Writing about a topic that isn’t fresh defeats the purpose in my mind, there’s no passion, no emotion, at least nothing that isn’t being recalled and projected onto the page. Writing to me is about the passion and emotion in the moment, when the thoughts and ideas are fresh, almost to the extant of stream of consciousness. Which brings us to the topic that has been bouncing around in my head for about 2 days that I finally have come to a conclusion on. The purpose of travelling.

Yesterday or the day before I shared an image on facebook from an old article listing out the reasons we travel, those reasons are as follows:health, education, to get away, realize the limitation of our own views, to be able to improve conditions at home, appreciate other kinds of beauty in the world,find our level internationally, have something to talk about, to have something to look back on, and to appreciate home.   Now i can agree with a few of these concepts, and a couple I would have to have a very long discussion with the author on the explanation before I could get on board. But in general I disagree with it entirely. On multiple levels.I don’t know about anybody else, but every time i’ve traveled it has made me appreciate home less. Every single time. I’ve never gotten back from anywhere and thought man I’m glad to be back. That just doesn’t fucking happen. I hardly want to talk about a trip past the week after i return because it just makes me more depressed that I am no longer there. On top of all of this, the most important aspect, improving life at home, is probably the least taken advantage of. Which brings me to the meat of my thoughts.

Ignore the immense beauty of the country, the beauty of the people, and the serenity the mountains instill, and the one thing that is the hardest for me to comprehend is the sheer amount of joy felt throughout the entire trip. It didn’t matter if there was beauty, ugliness, rain, or shine, there was always an inner core of joy to pull from the entire trip. I’ve been trying to figure out why, at first I assumed it was because I was just so excited to to be there, but then the newness wore off. I thought it was because the landscape was so beautiful, but then we visited two churches in one day and witnessed the quintessence of the Incan genocide, gold and God, and surrounded by so much hate and ugliness I still managed to be able to go out with the group and get some dinner and be social, had I been confronted with half that much at home I would have simply went home and sat in the dark listening to music for hours on end trying to reset. I then thought maybe it’s because I’m surrounded by good friends, but then I remembered I didn’t even know anyone’s names until we landed in Peru. And while they were all beautiful and wonderful human beings, not yet the best friends that instill happiness simply by being in their presence. The more I have pondered it the closer i’ve come to the conclusion that there simply was no reason. It just was.

That’s when it hit me. It hit me like a goddamn dark, depressing, disgusting sack of bricks. There was no external reason as to why there was so much joy there, that was just enjoying life. The fact that it was such a contrast to life here I felt the need to find a reason why makes me very sad. I’m not trying to shortchange the trip’s beauty as a nonfactor, i was almost reduced to tears 3 separate occasions just by being in sheer awe of the beauty that surrounded me. I thoroughly realize that here I have to go to class and work and there I had to do neither, and please don’t insult me by thinking I haven’t taken that into consideration. Looking back the whole trip feels like one big good dream, it doesn’t even feel real life because what I consider real life is so much bleaker. There’s no way so much joy could exist in my real life.

I then asked myself why? Why does joy seemingly not exist here in this existence when it was so abundant within the other. Am i holding out on myself? Is it out of my control? Was there some sort of external trigger there that allowed it? Was i just high off the airplane cookies I found and ate on the way to lima the whole time? Is it something that I can add to my life here?  Long story short, I don’t know. I try to think about my life externally and figure out what’s keeping the joy from existing here as well and I can find nothing. My job is easy and I enjoy the company of most of my coworkers, I actually enjoy what I’m studying in the University and have a passion to learn the material, I’ve got a pretty good group of friends to spend free time with, my dog is adorable albeit kind of a bitch sometimes, I make enough money to buy groceries and pay my bills on time, the only real negative right now is the location i’m living in, but that’s not a huge deal, certainly not overpowering enough to suffocate joy on such a widespread level. While it is easy for my to brush this aside as simply a personal problem, yet I noticed everybody else from the trip seemed to be feeling the same way. Maybe not as severely as me and maybe moreso. i don’t know and I don’t need to know, the truth is still there.

The underlying sadness that something we all shared was left behind in Peru, perhaps never to be reclaimed by all of us, and maybe not by any of us. But that is my new destination. I feel that i’ve come far enough I no longer need to dedicate my entire psyche to holding back the darkness, and I can afford to pursue other issues. Such as where the joy has gone and how to bring it back, if it is able to be brought back at all.

Silence, the Fear

Many people I come across are very uncomfortable with silence, especially when there is no direct objective for it. It is one thing when taking a test, or completing a project to do so in silence, however just embracing silence for the sake of silence is not nearly as common. Many argue that they simply prefer to be in the company of others under the guise of being social or an extrovert. However it is not hard to be in the company of others as well as silence. While a good number of people suffer from severe phobias of silence, the vast majority of people fall into the category of preferring to avoid it because it makes them uncomfortable. For those, I do not blame you at all, for it is quite a daunting task. Not the silence itself, but for what may happen during the silence. For the thoughts that may surface, the realizations that may occur no matter how uncomfortable or upsetting. For when all the distractions are taken away, and all that is left is silence, it becomes much more difficult to suppress such things.

I know, because it was this very silence that caused me to face the reality of my depression, and subsequently the one way ticket to rock bottom that followed. I was unprepared to deal with it. I accidentally faced my demons with zero weapons or knowledge on how to deal with them, naturally it did not end well. I remained at the bottom wallowing in my sorrow and pity for quite some time, until suddenly, a realization was made. The very silence that I viewed as my nemesis, as the cause for all of this (as if without the silence the depression would never have been there, because yes I was that ignorant at the time), need not be solely an enemy, but also perhaps a weapon.

Often it is said that one’s greatest strength is simultaneously their greatest weakness, for you are naturally going to favor your strengths, and thus become predictable in your actions, opening up a weakness. Little did I know, but this silence would in time become my most powerful weapon, once i learned how to use it of course. So i began attempting to meditate, and i say attempting because I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. I immediately failed and gave up. It seemed pointless, sitting silently with my mind racing to a bunch of useless things, I saw no benefit coming from that. So i stopped.

A month or so later I had been able to identify some key actions and habits to try to gain a step or two forward, which they did, however I lacked the mental fortitude to stick to them when the negativity began to push back. I tried meditation again. Luckily this time I knew that while unguided meditation ultimately produced the most noticeable results, it was not something I was skilled enough to complete. I began short guided meditations. I found a website(www.calm.com) that allowed me to choose between a 2, 5, 10, 15, or 20 minute guided meditation. So I once again overestimated my abilities, threw on my headphones and hit the 10 minute choice. 5 minutes in i had given up and was watching netflix. Luckily I at least had the awareness to realize that I should try the 2 minute one and work my way up. It worked, I could successfully perform a 2 minute guided meditation.

Fast-Forward a few months, I have worked my up to performing 20 minute guided sessions and am on a trip to Puerto Rico with some friends in the spring of 2013. We are hiking up a mountain in a virgin rainforest (El Yunque) and have reached an old stone watchtower at the top. Upon climbing the watchtower to the top, and standing on the observation deck looking out, above the cloud level, and seeing the entire rainforest shrouded in a gray mist with nothing but green and cloud as far as the eye could see. Being overwhelmed by the sights, smells, and overall beauty of what was before me, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Breathing in unfamiliar smells, trying to find a place to catalog all of them in my mind so as to not forget. My entire being lost in that moment, and it is one I shall not soon forget. I then exhaled, now prepared to take in the beauty of my surroundings, opened my eyes and realized that nearly everyone who was on the observation platform with had disappeared. They had all seen from the top, and then climbed back down and were exploring around the base. I turned around, slightly confused since I had only taken one deep breath and everything had changed. Our “guide” Thad was still atop the tower with me, and gave me a look of complete understanding and simply said “it’s beautiful isn’t it” meaning so much more than simply the view of the forest. It was in that moment that I noticed the inconceivable clarity of mind, peace, and lack of intangible weight I had. I realized that I had not just simply inhaled and exhaled, that I had completely lost myself within that moment. I had finally realized what meditation was, and had completed my first successful unguided meditation.

It was through that single moment of clarity that I was able to cast aside all that was unimportant in order to focus on what was. It was through that single moment that I decided not only to go back to school, but what and where I would be studying. It was through that single moment that I felt i had finally made a connection from my tangible self to my intangible self. It was through that single moment that I started moving in the right direction. And It was in that single moment that I was exposed to the positive power of silence.

Silence is very powerful, but it is solely up to you whether you fear your silence and let it control you, or whether you embrace it and use it to control yourself.

Do not fear your silence.

I Believe.

So this bit appeared at the end of my last post as a quasi-conclusion/ramble. But I feel like it deserves it’s own spot to be viewed alone. Also with finals coming up I’ll probably be MIA for the next week and a half. Happy holidays folks!

If you ask me if I believe in God, I will probably respond with no. Because I don’t believe in the all powerful humanoid projection that you refer to God as. But, I do believe. I believe in the unknown. I believe in the perspective provided by the vastness of the unknown. I believe that there are far more powerful things at work in the universe than we have discovered, not because we haven’t found it yet, but because we haven’t even invented the proper tools TO discover it yet. I believe that the more we discover and think we know, the greater the unknown actually becomes. I believe in the mathematics of probability. I believe that every individual action we take regardless of how small, directly impacts the rest of our lives and potential, alternate lives, in an infinite number of incomprehensible way. Just because I do not believe in an all powerful man in the sky does NOT mean that I do not believe. That I do not have faith. That I am a lost soul. Quite honestly I think I have stronger faith and belief than those of traditional religion. It is easy to believe in something that is similar, that is easy to relate to, that is of the same belief system as we are taught as children. Much more difficult is it to be brought up with such beliefs, engage in personal meditation and soul searching, to come to your beliefs on your own, not because someone told you to, but because it is what comes to you. This experience is more divine than anything I had every experienced in Church. More powerful than any gospel message. The speck of dust we are in the infinity of the universe is much more motivation to appreciate what you have and treat others with respect than any scripture ever was. But most importantly, it is hard to believe in something that is utterly incomprehensible. I know that I have zero understanding of the nature of the universe, and probably never will. And that’s what makes it so divine. Finding comfort in discomfort.  Finding reason where there is none.

Misinterpretations and Clarification (also religion and anti-depressants)

Very rarely will you hear me apologize for my words or actions. Not because I have never said or done anything that I shouldn’t have, but simply because in that moment in time I believed it to be the right thing to do. I will apologize for not taking into consideration how something may impact you, or for being insensitive, or for being too inarticulate to get my point across without adding insult. In my opinion this is how everyone should view this idea, too many people mindlessly apologize for their actions, without ever really A. actually feeling sorry for what they did and B. stopping at the apology and not taking steps to prevent said actions from happening again. In my experience most things can be avoided a second time by being mindful of the situation in which they occurred. Example. You and you’re significant other get into an argument and you call the other one a foul and insulting name. This can be quite hurtful. However, a normal response would be to immediately respond with an apology and hope they can move past it. Whereas an improved response would be to realize they are negative emotions you are harboring that lead to such an outburst that need to be addressed, as well noting that your volatile emotional state induced by the argument caused a poor decision in how to vocalize these feelings. Imagine how much better the aftermath would go if instead of just saying “I’m sorry for calling you a bitch” you responded with an apology for allowing yourself to get caught up in the moment, and mention that there are some behaviors that she is engaging in that have been bothering you, and you’d like to work on communicating said emotions more so they don’t get hyperbolized  during a heated emotional argument. Yes, she’ll still be upset you called her a bitch. However showing you understand why it happened and expressing a desire to prevent it goes a lot further than a simple I shouldn’t have said that.

That was quite the lengthy introduction, however the concepts are relevant. I have gotten a decent amount and backlash over some ideas that I’ve presented thus far, most noticeably my words on religion in my last post, and my words regarding antidepressants in my first few posts. I’d like to start off by saying i’m sorry if anyone has been offended. That was not my intention, however it appears that the majority who people who have expressed offense seem to have either misinterpreted my words, or has inferred conclusions about my meaning beyond what I have said. I guess I’ll start with the Anti-depressant position.

It appears that those who have either seen my decision to not take any anti-depressants, or read the paper I had written and linked on a previous post, have come to the conclusion that I do not believe in, or look down upon the usage of anti-depressants. This is simply not true. I can see how you came to this conclusion though, as my words in the paper written were with quite a negative connotation, and even laced with anger. However, this anger and negativity was not directed towards the medication. It was/is directed towards societies belief that such pills are a cure-all for depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses. It simply is not. Imagine going to the doctor for flu-like symptoms, and having him hand you a prescription and inform you have to take it every day, for the rest of your life, and if you feel like you don’t need it anymore and stop taking it, there’s a 67% chance you will not only get sick again, but quite possibly it will be more intense than before, and the side effects can often be far worse than your initial conditions. Then send you on your way. That would be unacceptable. Ludicrous. You would never see that sham of a physician again, probably tell all your friends about how awful he was, and start a negative social media campaign against him until he was disbarred. Yet that’s exactly what is being done for those with mental issues. Anti-depressants can be very powerful TOOLS in the fight against depression, but not a complete battle plan. Sorry but it has helped my mentality and efficacy to view my overall happiness as a war with depression, and each day a battle. It helps break down my progress by each day, leading to greater overall results without being crushingly overwhelmed by the weight of my end goal. In recap- not only do i have no problem with the use of medications, more often than not I encourage them as a tool to be utilized. As long as other steps are being taken to ensure long term quality of life and they aren’t being solely relied upon for happiness.

Next up is religion. Apparently I gave the impression that I believe that all religious peoples are selfish fools. To come to this conclusion one must have severely misunderstood what I was saying, or only read what they wanted to read because they enjoy picking fights on the internet instead of living a real, tangible life. Regardless, I will clarify. I do not necessarily have a problem with religion or spirituality. I often disagree with organized religion because I believe it puts too many restraints on the divine concept, and thus distracts from the truth. However, many good things come of organized religion, such as an ideal system teaching individuals to treat others with dignity and respect, and a certain amount of morality one should have by striving to live like [insert preferred religious icon here]. Obviously there are extremist sects in all major religions, from Islam to Christianity to Judaism and many others I’m sure that i’m not personally educated on. What I do disagree with, is “religious” individuals or groups who do bad things and hide behind their respective books of God for protection and explanation, as well as the mass hypocrisy practiced by the masses, often starting at the top.(child molestation in the catholic church, anyone?) But even beyond this, the concept of a God, or Gods in general was created/discovered for explanation of the unknown, to pay homage to the fact that there are things going on out there that we humans do not understand. I believe this is a wonderful thing. However our egotistical nature in humans has developed to create religions that do little more than divide us as people by telling us one group is right and the other is wrong, that these God like figures are humanoid and we are so blessed to have been made in his image. This humbling of the unknown has faded, and has been replaced with egocentric stories about how great humans are. That, to me, is sickening. All in all, it comes down to how you believe, and how you use it.

If you ask me if I believe in God, I will probably respond with no. Because I don’t believe in the all powerful humanoid projection that you refer to God as. But, I do believe. I believe in the unknown. I believe in the perspective provided by the vastness of the unknown. I believe that there are far more powerful things at work in the universe than we have discovered, not because we haven’t found it yet, but because we haven’t even invented the proper tools TO discover it yet. I believe that the more we discover and think we know, the greater the unknown actually becomes. I believe in the mathematics of probability. I believe that every individual action we take regardless of how small, directly impacts the rest of our lives and potential, alternate lives, in an infinite number of incomprehensible way. Just because I do not believe in an all powerful man in the sky does NOT mean that I do not believe. That I do not have faith. That I am a lost soul. Quite honestly I think I have stronger faith and belief than those of traditional religion. It is easy to believe in something that is similar, that is easy to relate to, that is of the same belief system as we are taught as children. Much more difficult is it to be brought up with such beliefs, engage in personal meditation and soul searching, to come to your beliefs on your own, not because someone told you to, but because it is what comes to you. This experience is more divine than anything I had every experienced in Church. More powerful than any gospel message. The speck of dust we are in the infinity of the universe is much more motivation to appreciate what you have and treat others with respect than any scripture ever was. But most importantly, it is hard to believe in something that is utterly incomprehensible. I know that I have zero understanding of the nature of the universe, and probably never will. And that’s what makes it so divine. Finding comfort in discomfort.  Finding reason where there is none.

Altruism or Desperate Selfishness?

At first this may seem like an odd comparison to make given that these to ideas are typically viewed as polar opposites, but bear with me, i promise the connection will become awkwardly evident. Now, similarly to music, acts of selflessness or altruism also have a positive impact on our psyche, and is widely regarded as one of the easiest ways to improve your mood and self-image. Which is great. However this leads to a discussion regarding one’s motives for being kind to someone, where is the line drawn between acting out of altruism and acting to make yourself feel better, selfishness?

One example i’ve come across not directly relating to my life that is one most people can relate to is the path to heaven(if you believe in such a thing). Many people do a lot of good things for other people for nothing in return, however their sole motivation for doing so is thinking that they will get into heaven for doing so. This is quite contradicting as it in reality is a selfish act, you don’t REALLY care about helping other people, you mostly care about furthering your own agenda, getting into heaven. Now most religious people react to this idea with absolute nastiness, because nothing can oppose what they believe, and God forbid you critically think about your beliefs without blindly following them. Flip side is most Atheists respond with complete cynicism about how hypocritical fools those who follow religion are. You both are narrow minded fools. Regardless of what you believe in if you can’t approach it with an open mind and entertain another belief set to try to understand without accepting it then please remove yourself from further discourse.

Anyways, on to my personal association with this topic. One of the strategies i devised to improve my quality of life when I was rock bottom was in fact allocating more time to assisting those around me. Now, I usually try to help those around me if hey need it, whether it be with schoolwork, something at work, or just personal favors because I was taught that if  your neighbor needs help, you should help them. Not in hope of a return favor, but because that’s just what you do. However I decided to place a greater focus on helping others because even if I spent all my energy on myself, at the end of the day I would still feel utterly hopeless and worthless. So I figured I might as well spend my energy helping those that still had a fighting chance. Yet, as time went on there was certainly a conscious thought process that was aware of the positive impact on my life due to such actions. And I would be lying if I stated that these selfish motivations were not the primary reason for several “good”actions. But this selfish inclination was the only thing that got me through several very tough times, and even if decided that it’s bad to act out of such desperate selfishness I wouldn’t regret it. Both parties benefited even if they weren’t aware of mine.

Where are we supposed to draw the line though? Once we are consciously aware of the selfishness? If it’s for selfish reasons even if we are not consciously aware of it(as in heaven-seekers)? Who is to judge(Do not say God.)? Does it even matter as long as the actions are good? If we don’t justify bad actions with good intentions, how can we justify good actions with bad intentions? Am i just being overly-cynical and vastly overthinking this topic? Probably so. But that doesn’t mean it’s undeserving of dialogue and personal reflection. And I would always rather think too much than not enough.

Music.

It’s a pretty well known fact nowadays that listening to music has a direct impact on one’s mood. There is enough study into this topic that there are entire fields of study researching and experimenting with it to more precisely determine how it can benefit us as humans, linked here is an organization site if you wish to read further. Now, even without in-depth research into the field, I have had many people recommend listening to upbeat, happy music to increase my mood when i’m feeling down. While good advice, it always seemed a little too simplistic to me, more of a distract yourself from the problem rather than address it approach. So, I took this idea and expanded it a little bit, creating a specific playlist containing music of different purposes. Happy, sad, thoughtful, emotional, and some that I just enjoy listening to and can relate too.

Often I get asked why I would want to listen to music that makes me sad while i’m already feeling down. The short answer is to balance out the happy music. In my experiences when dealing with a mental issue severe enough to last several years, any time spent not being aware of it, is time for it to grow stronger and sneak up on and overtake you. Thus, the playlist is designed to work through the pain and emotions, while containing enough happy/enjoyable songs to leave me in a slightly better place afterwards. Now i’m sure that a lot of you will find this music a bit weird, that’s good. Weird music makes you think, it’s very difficult to put the struggles encountered in life into a catchy and “normal” song without sacrificing your message and creative expression. Here’s a link to the playlist in the google play music service, the items are listed in groups by artist, i typically shuffle the playlist so it’s never quite in the same order. I did make this about a year and a half ago, and haven’t updated it really since it has continued to do exactly what I want it to do.

Track–Artist–Album

• Otherside(feat Fences)–Macklemore & Ryan Lewis–VS. Redux
• The End(Budo Remix)–Macklemore & Ryan Lewis–VS. Redux
• Inhale Deep–Macklemore–The Language of My World
• The Magic–Macklemore–The Language of My World
• As Soon As I Wake Up–Macklemore–The Language of My World
• Always Something–Cage The Elephant–Thank You Happy Birthday
• In One Ear–Cage The Elephant–Cage The Elephant
• Jake + Olive–Mac Lethal–Irish Goodbye
• Royals Cap (Number the Stars)–Mac Lethal–Irish Goodbye
• Lithium Lips–Mac Lethal–11:11
• Bottom of the Bottle–Grieves–Irreversible
• On The Rocks–Grieves–Together/Apart
• Vice Grip–Grieves–Together/Apart
• Prize Fighter–Grieves–Together/Apart
• Slug vs. Eyedea–Eydea & Slug–We Really Freestyle  link is to full album
• Man Vs. Ape–Eydea & Abilities–E and A
• Act Right–Eydea & Abilities–E and A
• E and A Day–Eydea & Abilities–E and A
• Letter to My Countrymen feat Dr. Cornel West–Brother Ali–Mourning in America and Dreaming in Color
• Trying to Find a Balance–Atmosphere–Seven’s Travels
• Reflections–Atmosphere–Sevens’ Travels
• The Skinny–Atmosphere–When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold
• Yesterday–Atmosphere–When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold
• Wild Wild Horses–Atmosphere–When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold
• In Her Music Box–Atmosphere–When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold
• The Last to Say–Atmosphere–The Family Sign
• Who I’ll Never Be–Atmosphere–The Family Sign
• Something So–Atmosphere–The Family Sign
• Sun Storm–Mac Lethal–11:11
• Neon Cathedral(feat Allen Stone)–Macklemore & Ryan Lewis)–The Heist

Mediocrity and Turning Points

“The idea for which this nation stands will not survive if the highest goal free man can set themselves is an amiable mediocrity. Excellence implies striving for the highest standards in every phase of life.” -John W. Gardner

Mediocrity, seems an odd topic to engage with in such a medium, i agree. I’ve had a few post topics rattling around in my head developing for some time now but have been unable to find a way connect them, but strangely enough mediocrity seems to do just such a thing.

Quick side note on mediocrity: personally, I believe mediocrity is one of the biggest threats and currently an epidemic in our society today. Moreso than mediocrity itself, but the acceptance of mediocrity in the hearts and minds of the masses. Accepting mediocrity allows those to stop growing as people. They become stagnant, when once an individual would take part in a movement be it a strike, march, or general action in regards to their well-being has been overtaken by a new wave of “good enough” where a couple swift clicks of a mouse to share or retweet a message regarding a movement that we agree with. Now don’t get me wrong, social media as a platform for social justice/injustice can be a very powerful tool, yet with many potentially powerful things, in American society specifically they have become so marginalized with they’re everyday uses to waste time and allow oneself to feel like they did something rather than actually doing it.

That being said,  I have spent the last two years of my life striving for mediocrity. Yes. STRIVING for mediocrity. The very thing I just denounced and would rid this world of before anything else(when you think about it the removal of mediocrity would in turn empower us to solve almost all other social issues). At the risk of getting too off topic with past emotions, the moment I realized that I would give anything to be something that I despise so much because even THAT terrible thing would be better than the mental and emotional abyss I was lost in.

One of the biggest hurdles to jump when beginning my personal battle was being able to find a goal that was both attainable and beneficial. Obviously my original goal was simple, no longer be depressed, get back to “normal” etc. And magically I only managed to spiral further downwards. This goal was not attainable starting out. That’s when the realization happened, not only is mediocrity only about halfway to being ahead of the game, but due to my sincerely low opinion of the concept it seemed extraordinarily attainable. Thus began my journey to attain mediocrity.

I never would have dreamed it would take 2 years to reach this point, as mediocrity seemed like such a joke, but then again that was before I was being objective and honest with myself about where I truly was. Now that I’ve been at my end-goal of mediocrity for a few months now, I’ve taken some time to work some things out in relation to where i’m going and where I’ve been.  The most shocking thing i’ve come to know is that I never had surpassed Mediocrity in my life, even prior to the depression. Depending on how well you knew me prior and how you interpret mediocrity this may surprise you, or even anger you. Refer back to the quotation I began with, I have never once in my entire life pursued the highest standards in ANY phase of my life. I was unfortunately blessed with being pretty good at everything I did without ever really needing to practice or try. This is one of the instances where I usually get “what do you even have to be depressed about?” Which in all honestly looking back I feel like this is one of the reasons I fell so fast, I never had to learn how to struggle or lose. Then I also was unaware as to what it felt to like to be struggling or to lose, so by the time I realized what was happening it was far too late. However this is also what makes this current transition so meaningful, in my reality this is a great unknown.

 

This is  a major turning point for me, as i’ve finished my mediocrity phase, and will be pursuing levels beyond that which have never even been attempted by myself before. Even though I am nowhere near ready for that. It still takes roughly 60% of my bodily energy just to get up and get on with my day, just to go through the motions with each task I used to take for granted, I now have to pump myself up to get enough energy to do simple things like go to class and walk my dog. When I get home from grocery shopping I am utterly exhausted. But I keep trudging onwards, because quite simply there is no other option. I have to force myself to eat multiple full meals a day, because I have zero spare energy to lose. One missed meal can set me back an entire week in progress. It was not easy getting to this point, and it will only get more difficult from here. A year and a half ago I would’ve just stopped because I knew i would most likely fail and it wouldn’t be worth the energy lost trying. Not now, the goal of mediocrity has one more advantage, I am equally proud of the progress i’ve made and disgusted with being mediocre, which provides much needed determination to continue on and not settle. I am well aware that self-disgust is not a very healthy form of motivation, but when facing insurmountable odds, you become more lenient with the means that justify the ends.

 

Never Settle.

Feeling Inspired

So I was going to embed a song here, but being new at this I couldn’t figure out how in the first 5 minutes so I gave up on and am just linking. For optimal experience please click here and play music while reading. I’m currently listening while writing and it increased the inspirational feelings exponentially(side note this is also my post workout jam so even if it’s a sub-par workout i still feel accomplished by the time i get home). ANYWAYS. I originally wasn’t going to post anything today as i had been working with a few longer posts still as drafts, but I came across a web comic that is the either the most depressing thing in the world or the most inspiring. If you can’t tell which one i took it as, start this over.

This gist of the comic was that the only two things for certain for every single living human being, is that you WERE born, and you WILL die. Everything else is completely up in the air.

It seems trivial, and a bit of common sense. But I challenge you to not simply gloss over it and accept it like you probably do every time you see something similar. Really think about it for a minute. Everything else is dynamic, fluid, waiting to be manipulated and reformed into something new.

I have no intention of forcing any of the “change your mindset change your life” bullshit that is constantly handed out at every free depression seminar and self-help section of the library and book store. If you, like myself, suffer from severe depression, due to the chemical imbalances in your brain, you have in fact been dealt a shit hand. There’s no way around it. It’s true. A shit hand is a shit hand no matter which way you look at it. But don’t stop this metaphor right there. If you stop right there you’ve done nothing but give yourself another reason not to get out of bed in the morning. Maybe we’re playing deuces wild, and suddenly your shit hand is now nothing short of mediocre. Now mediocre may not be the based hand, but how often are we truly dealt a royal flush? Often enough that if you keep folding waiting for that royal flush you’ll be worse off than that guy who bluffs his way into winning the pot with a poorly mediocre deuces wild hand.

It may be a bit extended, but the point here is that what initially may seem like a good/bad hand is completely dependent on the game you are playing, and sometimes at what point in the game it is analyzed at.

So, please, please, take a minute and try to figure out what game you are playing at before assuming it’s a shit hand. If the game doesn’t suit you, change the fucking rules. If you can’t, then bluff your way into a spot where you can. And above all else, try to gain some scope about how much stronger and determined of a person you will be WHEN you get through it. Fantasize if you must. Get some end goal where you want to be, and imagine it. I can personally attest that the ONLY thing in the world that keeps me from smacking right back down to rock bottom is being able to stop and take a moment to reflect on what I was, and what I am. Seeing the progress that has been made and that I was able to stick to my plan of action without compromising myself in the process fills me with enough pride and satisfaction that it at keeps me from slipping completely into the darkness.

For a little scope of your own, at one point I spent 2 entire months, where the only thing that happened the entire day that I could feel accomplished about was that I had made my bed that morning. But I made my fucking bed every fucking morning for 2 months until I had the energy to try to incorporate a second daily task to feel good about to keep me going. You have no idea how good it feels to not have to make my bed in the morning without worrying about smacking my head against the rocks.

you have only truly lost when you have given up.

Literature

I was recently reminded about a paper I had written in Spring 2014 for a psychology class that I think would be a beneficial read. I was assigned the topic of mental health, and was instructed to interview a professional in the field, or someone who has been diagnosed with a mental illness. Seeing an opportunity to write about my depression for the first time, I decided to simply interview myself, under the guise of “a friend” of mine who was in the same situation. Albeit  quite morally wrong, it did allow me to realize the power of the written word and how much different of an impact it has on oneself than simply thinking about it. Anyways, the only thing stated in the interview that is not 100% true is when the interviewee mentions being formally diagnosed. I personally have not been, as i know if i was in a doctors office and was offered anti-depressants the temptation would be too great to turn away from. However without a formal diagnosis my fictional friend would have not been a candidate for my study. Anyways, here’s a link to the document if it is something you would like to see, starting with a general overview of depression in society today, mixed with  a little bit of my story. enjoy.     https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B7M23z3dTS92bkVaNnNEM3N4OFk/view?usp=sharing