Honesty; for Better or for Worse.

It is with a heavy heart that I return to writing, not necessarily because of what is happening in my life, but rather for what has kept me from writing over the past several months. When the topic came up I would always have a list of excuses on deck to explain it away, lack of time, lack of material, etc. The real reason is far more shameful than that. The real reason is that I have been experiencing a slow backslide for several months now. In an extremely selfish moment I decided I would simply out wait the spell of negativity until there was something more uplifting to write about. Foolishly believing that a positive post lacking ingenuity would be more beneficial than i realistic post that is fueled by ingenuity. I regret not addressing this sooner for anyone who actually uses this forum for their own benefit with their own struggles, as i have severely insulted you. This was not my intent and it has taken me a long time to consciously come to terms with the real reasons regarding my lack of writing.

27 October 2015. This is the day i consciously became aware of how selfish I had been while not writing about the struggles I was facing. This realization came during a conversation with a friend about the benefits of writing, and how I fully endorsed it but sadly hadn’t partaken in quite some time. The were other topics in this talk that I had intended to write about, and actually told her it had inspired me to write, however this is not the topic that I had originally intended. Since then I have decided this is a more time-sensitive topic.

I suppose the bottom line i’m trying to convey here is this. Everyone struggles. Regardless of whether it’s anxiety, depression, or any other thing in their life that is causing them pain and suffering. Everyone has something. It is important to keep this in mine. The only side of what you see of someone is what they present to you. If someone you know always seems happy it because they want you to perceive them as happy. I am ashamed of my lack of ability to be not only honest with myself the past several months, but also with those around me, because that is something that i have promoted several times as being a key to attaining peace and happiness within.

But this is all I have to say on this topic. I intend to get back into writing, and a less self-deprecating post will be on the way within a week or two. Until then, try to make an attempt to be more mindful of what others may be going through even if they don’t share the details. It will help you connect with others better, as well as gaining insight into the reasons why some people do what they do.

I Believe.

So this bit appeared at the end of my last post as a quasi-conclusion/ramble. But I feel like it deserves it’s own spot to be viewed alone. Also with finals coming up I’ll probably be MIA for the next week and a half. Happy holidays folks!

If you ask me if I believe in God, I will probably respond with no. Because I don’t believe in the all powerful humanoid projection that you refer to God as. But, I do believe. I believe in the unknown. I believe in the perspective provided by the vastness of the unknown. I believe that there are far more powerful things at work in the universe than we have discovered, not because we haven’t found it yet, but because we haven’t even invented the proper tools TO discover it yet. I believe that the more we discover and think we know, the greater the unknown actually becomes. I believe in the mathematics of probability. I believe that every individual action we take regardless of how small, directly impacts the rest of our lives and potential, alternate lives, in an infinite number of incomprehensible way. Just because I do not believe in an all powerful man in the sky does NOT mean that I do not believe. That I do not have faith. That I am a lost soul. Quite honestly I think I have stronger faith and belief than those of traditional religion. It is easy to believe in something that is similar, that is easy to relate to, that is of the same belief system as we are taught as children. Much more difficult is it to be brought up with such beliefs, engage in personal meditation and soul searching, to come to your beliefs on your own, not because someone told you to, but because it is what comes to you. This experience is more divine than anything I had every experienced in Church. More powerful than any gospel message. The speck of dust we are in the infinity of the universe is much more motivation to appreciate what you have and treat others with respect than any scripture ever was. But most importantly, it is hard to believe in something that is utterly incomprehensible. I know that I have zero understanding of the nature of the universe, and probably never will. And that’s what makes it so divine. Finding comfort in discomfort.  Finding reason where there is none.

“To All My Facebook Friends” (2)

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Aternatively,
We could unplug ourselves
Off Facebook
And start writing
In journals.
Alternatively,
We could write
Each other letters
And make frequent trips
To the post office.
It will take too much of our time,
Of course, but our correspondence
Will be longer
And the pleasure of conversing
Will be drawn out.
Anyway, a conversation
Via social media
Mediated by computer monitors
And profile photos
Isn’t really much of a
Conversation, is it?
Anyway, I want to see your
Handwriting, feel the strokes
Of your pen with my fingers,
And smell the ink and paper.
You don’t have to write and sound
Like Jane Austen, although that would
Be great, as well.
You can write like a cardiologist,
I wouldn’t mind.
There are nuances in our handwriting,
You know.
Alternatively,
We could lie on roof tops
And gaze at the distant galaxies
And talk about our dreams.
Alternatively,
We could…

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Preface

I am one of the thousands who suffer from severe and often crippling depression. I am appalled by the current medical treatment of this growing problem. What follows will be an attempt to open the discussion on how to better the quality of life for those who suffer as well as a chronicling of my personal struggles with the darkness.