Silence, the Fear

Many people I come across are very uncomfortable with silence, especially when there is no direct objective for it. It is one thing when taking a test, or completing a project to do so in silence, however just embracing silence for the sake of silence is not nearly as common. Many argue that they simply prefer to be in the company of others under the guise of being social or an extrovert. However it is not hard to be in the company of others as well as silence. While a good number of people suffer from severe phobias of silence, the vast majority of people fall into the category of preferring to avoid it because it makes them uncomfortable. For those, I do not blame you at all, for it is quite a daunting task. Not the silence itself, but for what may happen during the silence. For the thoughts that may surface, the realizations that may occur no matter how uncomfortable or upsetting. For when all the distractions are taken away, and all that is left is silence, it becomes much more difficult to suppress such things.

I know, because it was this very silence that caused me to face the reality of my depression, and subsequently the one way ticket to rock bottom that followed. I was unprepared to deal with it. I accidentally faced my demons with zero weapons or knowledge on how to deal with them, naturally it did not end well. I remained at the bottom wallowing in my sorrow and pity for quite some time, until suddenly, a realization was made. The very silence that I viewed as my nemesis, as the cause for all of this (as if without the silence the depression would never have been there, because yes I was that ignorant at the time), need not be solely an enemy, but also perhaps a weapon.

Often it is said that one’s greatest strength is simultaneously their greatest weakness, for you are naturally going to favor your strengths, and thus become predictable in your actions, opening up a weakness. Little did I know, but this silence would in time become my most powerful weapon, once i learned how to use it of course. So i began attempting to meditate, and i say attempting because I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. I immediately failed and gave up. It seemed pointless, sitting silently with my mind racing to a bunch of useless things, I saw no benefit coming from that. So i stopped.

A month or so later I had been able to identify some key actions and habits to try to gain a step or two forward, which they did, however I lacked the mental fortitude to stick to them when the negativity began to push back. I tried meditation again. Luckily this time I knew that while unguided meditation ultimately produced the most noticeable results, it was not something I was skilled enough to complete. I began short guided meditations. I found a website(www.calm.com) that allowed me to choose between a 2, 5, 10, 15, or 20 minute guided meditation. So I once again overestimated my abilities, threw on my headphones and hit the 10 minute choice. 5 minutes in i had given up and was watching netflix. Luckily I at least had the awareness to realize that I should try the 2 minute one and work my way up. It worked, I could successfully perform a 2 minute guided meditation.

Fast-Forward a few months, I have worked my up to performing 20 minute guided sessions and am on a trip to Puerto Rico with some friends in the spring of 2013. We are hiking up a mountain in a virgin rainforest (El Yunque) and have reached an old stone watchtower at the top. Upon climbing the watchtower to the top, and standing on the observation deck looking out, above the cloud level, and seeing the entire rainforest shrouded in a gray mist with nothing but green and cloud as far as the eye could see. Being overwhelmed by the sights, smells, and overall beauty of what was before me, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Breathing in unfamiliar smells, trying to find a place to catalog all of them in my mind so as to not forget. My entire being lost in that moment, and it is one I shall not soon forget. I then exhaled, now prepared to take in the beauty of my surroundings, opened my eyes and realized that nearly everyone who was on the observation platform with had disappeared. They had all seen from the top, and then climbed back down and were exploring around the base. I turned around, slightly confused since I had only taken one deep breath and everything had changed. Our “guide” Thad was still atop the tower with me, and gave me a look of complete understanding and simply said “it’s beautiful isn’t it” meaning so much more than simply the view of the forest. It was in that moment that I noticed the inconceivable clarity of mind, peace, and lack of intangible weight I had. I realized that I had not just simply inhaled and exhaled, that I had completely lost myself within that moment. I had finally realized what meditation was, and had completed my first successful unguided meditation.

It was through that single moment of clarity that I was able to cast aside all that was unimportant in order to focus on what was. It was through that single moment that I decided not only to go back to school, but what and where I would be studying. It was through that single moment that I felt i had finally made a connection from my tangible self to my intangible self. It was through that single moment that I started moving in the right direction. And It was in that single moment that I was exposed to the positive power of silence.

Silence is very powerful, but it is solely up to you whether you fear your silence and let it control you, or whether you embrace it and use it to control yourself.

Do not fear your silence.