Silence, the Fear

Many people I come across are very uncomfortable with silence, especially when there is no direct objective for it. It is one thing when taking a test, or completing a project to do so in silence, however just embracing silence for the sake of silence is not nearly as common. Many argue that they simply prefer to be in the company of others under the guise of being social or an extrovert. However it is not hard to be in the company of others as well as silence. While a good number of people suffer from severe phobias of silence, the vast majority of people fall into the category of preferring to avoid it because it makes them uncomfortable. For those, I do not blame you at all, for it is quite a daunting task. Not the silence itself, but for what may happen during the silence. For the thoughts that may surface, the realizations that may occur no matter how uncomfortable or upsetting. For when all the distractions are taken away, and all that is left is silence, it becomes much more difficult to suppress such things.

I know, because it was this very silence that caused me to face the reality of my depression, and subsequently the one way ticket to rock bottom that followed. I was unprepared to deal with it. I accidentally faced my demons with zero weapons or knowledge on how to deal with them, naturally it did not end well. I remained at the bottom wallowing in my sorrow and pity for quite some time, until suddenly, a realization was made. The very silence that I viewed as my nemesis, as the cause for all of this (as if without the silence the depression would never have been there, because yes I was that ignorant at the time), need not be solely an enemy, but also perhaps a weapon.

Often it is said that one’s greatest strength is simultaneously their greatest weakness, for you are naturally going to favor your strengths, and thus become predictable in your actions, opening up a weakness. Little did I know, but this silence would in time become my most powerful weapon, once i learned how to use it of course. So i began attempting to meditate, and i say attempting because I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. I immediately failed and gave up. It seemed pointless, sitting silently with my mind racing to a bunch of useless things, I saw no benefit coming from that. So i stopped.

A month or so later I had been able to identify some key actions and habits to try to gain a step or two forward, which they did, however I lacked the mental fortitude to stick to them when the negativity began to push back. I tried meditation again. Luckily this time I knew that while unguided meditation ultimately produced the most noticeable results, it was not something I was skilled enough to complete. I began short guided meditations. I found a website(www.calm.com) that allowed me to choose between a 2, 5, 10, 15, or 20 minute guided meditation. So I once again overestimated my abilities, threw on my headphones and hit the 10 minute choice. 5 minutes in i had given up and was watching netflix. Luckily I at least had the awareness to realize that I should try the 2 minute one and work my way up. It worked, I could successfully perform a 2 minute guided meditation.

Fast-Forward a few months, I have worked my up to performing 20 minute guided sessions and am on a trip to Puerto Rico with some friends in the spring of 2013. We are hiking up a mountain in a virgin rainforest (El Yunque) and have reached an old stone watchtower at the top. Upon climbing the watchtower to the top, and standing on the observation deck looking out, above the cloud level, and seeing the entire rainforest shrouded in a gray mist with nothing but green and cloud as far as the eye could see. Being overwhelmed by the sights, smells, and overall beauty of what was before me, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Breathing in unfamiliar smells, trying to find a place to catalog all of them in my mind so as to not forget. My entire being lost in that moment, and it is one I shall not soon forget. I then exhaled, now prepared to take in the beauty of my surroundings, opened my eyes and realized that nearly everyone who was on the observation platform with had disappeared. They had all seen from the top, and then climbed back down and were exploring around the base. I turned around, slightly confused since I had only taken one deep breath and everything had changed. Our “guide” Thad was still atop the tower with me, and gave me a look of complete understanding and simply said “it’s beautiful isn’t it” meaning so much more than simply the view of the forest. It was in that moment that I noticed the inconceivable clarity of mind, peace, and lack of intangible weight I had. I realized that I had not just simply inhaled and exhaled, that I had completely lost myself within that moment. I had finally realized what meditation was, and had completed my first successful unguided meditation.

It was through that single moment of clarity that I was able to cast aside all that was unimportant in order to focus on what was. It was through that single moment that I decided not only to go back to school, but what and where I would be studying. It was through that single moment that I felt i had finally made a connection from my tangible self to my intangible self. It was through that single moment that I started moving in the right direction. And It was in that single moment that I was exposed to the positive power of silence.

Silence is very powerful, but it is solely up to you whether you fear your silence and let it control you, or whether you embrace it and use it to control yourself.

Do not fear your silence.

Celebrating the Ignorance

It’s been a minute since i’ve posted anything, partly because i had been working my way through a few ideas, and then Ferguson happened. Now i told myself when it started that I wouldn’t get sucked into the whirlwind that was online forums regarding this topic, and so far i have stuck with it. This is not because I don’t have a strong opinion on the topic, or because I believe that what and how it happened was right. It was because I am a white male. I come from a middle class family. And i have absolutely ZERO place in this discussion. The best possible thing that I could do would be to listen to the leaders of such communities and do my best to understand what is happening, and promote their message. Not speak on my own.

However, I have broken my promise to myself for one reason, i read a pretty well put together article on Politico about the reaction of a white father who had his white son executed by the police in a town in Wisconsin a few years back. The message was great, about the systemic flaws in the judicial system when it comes to actions by the police force against citizens, however i noticed that the people in my newsfeed that were sharing this particular article were NOT the individuals who also had a problem with the way the proceedings in Ferguson were handled and were trying to spread a message. Instead, all they saw in this story was a white father who maintained his composure and calmly went about trying to solve the problem rather than rioting like these black people. That’s it. They believed that the reason these situations was different was the color of the victims skin. They couldn’t even comprehend the socio-economic differences involved, or the fact that the parents of the Ferguson victim are indeed asking for the violence to stop as well. But I can partially blame the media for the misrepresentation here, as the “protesters” are constantly being portrayed incorrectly as the rioting mobs. There is certainly a large problem here besides the inherent racism still alive in today’s society. To anyone who believes racism has nothing to do with it, please contact me personally and i will explain to you that you are wrong, with examples from my own personal life. And if I, as a middle class, white male, can experience racism in such a  disgusting and life-changing manner, I cannot even begin to fathom what it would be like to live life as a minority and be subject to it every single day of my life. For those who are subject, I am truly sorry.

Yet, the only stipulation to my breaking my promise was not to get too far into the race issue, because from my position it is a lose-lose battle from my keystrokes. There is no law, or ordinance that can be passed to fix and heal this problem. I would like to think that each generation becomes less and less captive to such out of date beliefs, but unfortunately i believe only a small percentage truly improves each generation, while the rest simply become better at hiding it in public.

So now on to the non-race issue at hand, the systemic flaw in the accountability of police officers in incidents with citizens. The article that this information can be pulled from is located here. Now, let me first say that I respect the officers of the law, and I accept the fact that depending on where they are stationed, can be put into life and death situations quite often. I understand that they repeatedly put themselves in the line of fire to protect citizens. Also that during these high-stress situations snap decisions must be made that may cost the life of another human being. Being that they are sacrificing themselves on a daily basis to protect me, oftentimes they are given the benefit of the doubt regarding these decisions. HOWEVER, we are all human, and eventually, we all make mistakes. Even police officers. This man in Wisconsin embarked on a journey to research circumstances in which officers were found to be at fault, or guilty for improper use of force. In the 100+ years since the police force had been commissioned in his area, there were 0 instances in which the police officer was found to be at fault. Now, that to me was staggering. NEVER, has an officer in that area made a mistake with the usage of force. Which may very well be true, had this man’s son not been shot in the back of the head, muzzle so close it left an imprint on his head, in front of his mother and sister, surrounded by several cops, because one’s holster got caught on a car mirror and shouted in a panic that someone was trying to take his weapon, and later lab reports came back with zero DNA evidence that anyone else touched his weapon. So I can imagine that there may have been previous instances when the police force were not so valiant.

This leads to another very backwards system, in which the person who investigates the officers is the DA, who was elected partially because he had the support  and endorsement of the officers. That on it’s own amazes me that there is not some impartial 3rd party to do the investigating, but the DA, who if he were to find the officer inadequate and guilty, would then lose the support of the police, and likely not be re-elected. And that’s fair. And Just. I’m done.